Waiting 6 years between blog posts is totally normal, right?

Last week, I saw a picture of a cheesecake that sparked something in my mind.  Cinnamon Roll Cheesecake, but I wanted my cinnamon rolls on top. 

Today, the recipe moved from my head to paper and my cheesecake came to life. 

It was as perfect as I had hoped.  Maybe even more so.  

Admittedly, I didn't let it chill overnight, which is pretty important. You can't blame me for not waiting!

Cinnamon Roll Cheesecake

Preheat oven to 350.  Fill a large roaster pan full of hot water, place on bottom rack.  

All ingredients at room temp.

Crust:

1-1/2 cups Graham Crumbs

1/4 cup Sugar

1 tsp Cinnamon

6 tbls Butter

Pinch Salt

Bake @ 350 // 10 Mins

 

Filling:

4 - 8oz Philadelphia Cream Cheese (Not Fat Free)

1/2 cup Sugar

1/2 cup Brown Sugar, packed

2 tbls Flour (Wondra, if you have it)

1 cup Sour Cream

1 tsp good quality Vanilla

1/2 tsp Salt

Cream together, scraping bottom of bowl.

 

When well combined:  One at a time, add 3 eggs and 2 yolks until just incorporated.  Don't overmix.

 

1 tube refrigerator cinnamon rolls, cut into quarters.  Icing reserved.

Roll in cinnamon/sugar (1 tbls + 1 tbls)

Lay on top of cheesecake

Sprinkle w/ any remaining cinnamon/sugar

 

Bake at 350 for 25 minutes, then reduce temp to 325 for 40 minutes.  Don't open the door.  

Cool in oven w/ door open for at least an hour. 

Chill in fridge 8 hours.

Gently warm or microwave the icing from the cinnamon rolls and drizzle over the top.

Everything Ham Sliders

Just like me, you've seen these everywhere online and they look GOOD.

I can't leave well enough alone and I had to do my own version.  I haven't had the other ones out there, but these are better than they are.  They simply MUST be.

Everything Ham Sliders

2 pkgs King's Sweet Hawaiian Rolls

1 lb Sliced Havarti (Recommend Boar's Head)

1 lb Sliced Ham (Recommend Sara Lee Brown Sugar)

1-1/2 sticks Butter, melted

2-3 tsp Spicy Brown or Dijon Mustard 

2-3 tsp Worcestershire

4 tbls Everything Bagel Topping

Melt butter and add mustard, Worcestershire and 2 tablespoons of the Everything Bagel Topping. Set aside. 

Keeping buns attached, slice them in half with a long bread knife.  It's okay if they aren't perfect or even.  Do your best.

Place the bottoms halves into the pan or dish of your choice.  Both will fit in a jelly roll or you can use a 13 x 9 for each one.  You don't want them to be squished, but the vessel isn't that important. It just needs to have sides, so a flat cookie sheet won't work.

Layer half of the ham evenly on one of the bottom halves.  Make sure you go edge to edge.  Layer the remaining ham on the second half of the rolls.  

Layer the cheese evenly over the ham on both of the loaves.  Again, make sure you go edge to edge.

Place the top half of the rolls over your cheese.  Pour the butter mixture over the rolls, trying to keep it as even as you can.  Some will run down the sides and that's okay.  Once all of the butter has been poured over the sandwiches, evenly sprinkle the remaining 2 tablespoons of Everything Bagel Topping over your sandwiches.

Cover with foil.  At this point, you can pop them in the fridge overnight or just throw them in the oven.  Heat your oven to 350 degrees.  Put the rolls in for 15 - 20 minutes.  Turn the oven down to 200 and remove the foil.  Leave them in for another 20 minutes to crisp up.  They are pretty forgiving, so you can hold them in a warm oven for a while if you are awaiting for guests.

Before serving, slice the rolls apart and let your guests enjoy the melty goodness!  Or, just eat the all yourself.  That's perfectly understandable.

Blueberry Buckle Cheesecake

Blueberry Buckle Cheesecake

The other day, Philip sent me a photo of a Blueberry Buckle.  As soon as I saw the picture, I knew that Philip thought the white cake portion was cheesecake.

He then started to talk about his ideal dessert, a cheesecake base, blueberries and a crumbly buckle top.

I set forth on my task today and created a winner. Enjoy!

Special Blueberry Treatment: (You can do this a day or two ahead.)

1.5 pints blueberries

¼ cup sugar

2 tbls water

Add all to saucepan and cook over medium-low heat until bubbly, but blueberries are mostly intact.  Chill.  ** depending on the juiciness of your berries, you will probably have more liquid than you need.  If it is really soupy, drain the blueberries and use the syrup to top ice cream or add to seltzer water for a yummy blueberry soda!  If in doubt, drain, we don’t want a soupy cheesecake!  You can even reduce the liquid into a syrup to top your cheesecake!!

Crust:

2 cups graham or cookie crumbs

1 cup sugar (I like 1/2 white & 1/2 brown)

1 cup melted butter

Pinch Salt

Combine melted butter, sugar, salt and crumbs until well mixed.  Press into bottom and up sides of springform pan.  Chill.

Cheesecake Filling:

3 8oz Cream Cheese, room temp

¾ cup sugar

¼ tsp salt

¼ cup sour cream

1 tbls flour

2 large eggs

2 large egg yolks          

1 tsp lemon zest, finely grated

¼ tsp vanilla

Combine cream cheese, sugar, salt and flour until smooth.  Add eggs one at a time, but do not over mix.  Stir in zest and vanilla.  Add into prepared crust.  Top with blueberries and gently swirl blueberries into cheese mixture, making sure it gets to the edges.

Crumble Top:

1 cup flour

½ cup rolled oats

½ cup brown sugar

Pinch Salt

1 tsp cold cream or milk

1 stick butter, cold and cubed

Combine flour, oats, salt and sugar.  Cut in butter until crumbly.  Stir in cream or milk.  Crumble over top of cheese mixture. 

Bake at 350 for 55 – 65 minutes until.  Open oven door and cool for 2 hours.  Chill in fridge for several hours, but let it sit out an hour before serving for best flavor.  Cut with a serrated knife.  Wipe knife between cuts. 

Be Cordial.

Man, those cordial cherries are so darn good, aren't they?  My dad loves them and, through him, I learned to appreciate them myself.

I recently learned that the liquid middle doesn't start out that way at all!  It starts out solid and, over time, the solid breaks down and becomes the liquid center.  The longer it sits, the more clear the liquid.  Who knew?

Naturally, I decided to start looking for recipes that spoke to me.  As usual, they all speak to me!  In true form, I took my favorite components from a few recipes an did my own thing.

I guess the problem is I don't know how well they liquefy because I just did them.  I hope, in a couple of weeks, I have chocolate cherries with gooey middles.  If not, I'm not too worried about it because these just happen to be delicious just the way they are.

2 lbs Powdered Sugar (plus extra for dusting)

1 stick Unsalted Butter, Room Temperature

3 tbls. Light Corn Syrup

1 can Sweetened Condensed Milk

¼ tsp. Almond Extract

¼ tsp. Vanilla Extract

¼ tsp. Salt

60 - 75 Maraschino Cherries w/ Stems, gently drained

2 lbs. Dark or Milk Chocolate Candy Melts (or Tempered Chocolate)

Cream butter, corn syrup, sweetened condensed milk, extracts and salt until smooth.  With mixer off, add half of powdered sugar (1 lb), mix on low until smooth.  Add remaining powdered sugar until a sticky dough forms. 

Wrap dough with plastic wrap and place in fridge for  at least 1 hour. 

Get all your ducks in a row when you're ready to wrap cherries in this stuff, which tastes delicious, by the way.  I wanted there to be some juice to my cherries, so I didn't drain them for any amount of time.  I just threw them onto a paper towel lined tray to get any excess.

Foil lined tray, cherries, chilled dough, 1-oz scoop & extra powdered sugar

Having your hands dusted with powdered sugar and a little on the surface makes this so easy.  Take about 1-oz of the dough and flatten it out. I found that a slight oval worked best.

Place a cherry in the upper half of the oval and wrap the bottom up, pinching to seal.  Once you've sealed the cherry, just squish or roll it into a ball.  

Nestled all snug in its bed.

Like a sweet dumpling!

After you're finished, toss the tray into the fridge for an hour or so.  You could probably even do this a day ahead if you wanted to split up the job, but you will want to cover them.  The amount of cherries that you end up with depends on the size of your cherries and how much dough you use.  You'll end up with 60 - 75 cherries.




When you're ready to dip, the stems will come in very handy!  Melt your favorite candy coating or temper some chocolate.

I use Merckens because it tastes delicious and is easy to use.

Melt your chocolate as you normally would or according to package directions.  I happen to use one of these and I love it.  I don't work with chocolate a lot, but I also use it as a fondue pot.

Try to keep your chocolate in a narrow and deep container rather than a wide and shallow one.  This will allow for easy dipping.  Just dunk it right in!  The cherries are cool, so allow the excess chocolate to run off.  It will slow naturally and then place it on a new tray.  Don't scrape the bottom.  There can't be holes or your juice will run out!

Chill them for a while and then leave them covered in a cool, dry place.  The magic liquid centers should appear in a week or so.  If not, just eat them anyway!

Meet Your Maker.

I was never a fan of "homemade" ice cream when growing up.  We used the old fashioned ice cream makers with ice and salt, even the earliest hand crank version.  Don't get me wrong, I ate it and I have some good memories surrounding the few occasions that warranted the work. 

It was just too icy and soupy for me.  Then there was that strong fake vanilla extract flavor.  Blech.

We love ice cream and the best ones are upwards of $5 a pint these days.  Enter the Cuisinart Mix It In Ice Cream Maker!  You can use it for soft serve, add toppings and even for hard scoops!

I won't deny, my first attempt at ice cream wasn't great.  It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't great.  I learned a lot!  For example, when you return the custard to the stove - the cooking happens quickly!  I also changed up my recipe a little bit.

Basic Vanilla Ice Cream

1-1/4 c.  Half and Half

3/4 c. Heavy Cream

6 Egg Yolks

3/4 c. Sugar

1/2 tsp. Salt

2 tsp. Vanilla Bean Paste

Over medium heat, warm Half and Half and Cream until scalded (just before boiling point).  While the cream is heating, whisk together the egg yolks and sugar until pale yellow and smooth.  Stir in salt. 

A small amount at a time, add the scalded milk to the yolk mixture, continuously whisking (or use your stand mixer on low) so that no lumps form.  If you are nervous about this step, start small.  Once about half of the cream mixture has been worked into the eggs, pour the yolk mixture into the saucepan with the remaining cream.  Add the vanilla and salt.  Continue to cook until it has thickened slightly and coats the back of the wooden spoon. 

Secret Weapon: King Arthur Flour's Vanilla Bean Paste

Remove the pan from the heat and pour into a container to cool.  Once cool enough, cover and place in fridge overnight.  

When you're ready, pour the cream base into your machine and follow directions.

Easy and delish!

There are no pictures of the finished product, well, because we ate it!

Philip's Weekend Bagels

When you live in a region with a particular type of food, it's easy to take it for granted!

I remember when I moved to NY from Indiana.  One day at work, I turned to a co-worker and said,  "Where can I get a good tenderloin sandwich?"  The blank stare on her face made me realize that I was living in a land without my beloved breaded pork tenderloin sandwich!  

We are now back in Indiana and there are tenderloins available on every corner.  I've probably only had 3 or 4 in the two years we've been back, but just knowing they are there is what matters!

It didn't take long before the local bagel shops weren't cutting it for us.  They weren't like the chewy bagels we had grown to love.  They were more like rolls with a hole in them and seeds on top!  

Thus began my foray into creating the perfect bagel recipe.  We had some stumbles along the way, but now I'm able to turn these babies out with my eyes closed.  If you fail the first few times, don't give up.  Chances are you won't end up with inedible product, but you will get a feel for the dough and that's the hardest part.

Here's a horribly filmed and produced video of the process!

Philip’s Weekend Bagels

This recipe calls for specific flours available through King Arthur, but you could make it with 3 cups of your favorite bread flour.  The results will not be a true chewy bagel, but it will still be delicious!

Dough:

2 cups King Arthur Unbleached Bread Flour

1 cup Sir Lancelot High Gluten Flour

1 ½ teaspoons Salt

2 tablespoons White Sugar

2 tablespoons Non-Diastatic Malt Powder (Optional, but highly recommended.  It’s the secret!)

2 ¼ teaspoons Instant Yeast (If you use Active Dry yeast, proof it in water with the sugar)

1 to 1-¼ cups Warm Water

Topping Options:

Minced Onion, Caraway Seeds, Poppy Seeds, Sesame Seeds or Coarse Salt.  I use the Everything Topping from KA Flour!

Egg Wash:

1 Egg White

1 tablespoon Cool Water

Boil:

Large pot of water

2 tablespoons Non-Diastatic Malt Powder (or 2 each of Brown Sugar and Baking Soda)

Combine flours, salt, sugar, Non-Diastatic Malt Powder and yeast into mixer with dough hook attachment (or stir together in large bowl).  Add 1 cup of warm water until dough comes together, it will be smooth and not sticky.  If the dough isn’t coming together, add a little more warm water until it does.  Using the dough hook or by hand, knead for 5 – 7 minutes. 

Let rise in bowl, loosely covered with cling film, for one hour.  The dough will swell and smooth out, but it will not double.  Divide the dough into equal pieces for 6 large bagels or up to 10 small bagels.  (I weigh my dough and then portion it, by weight, into 8 pieces.)  Roll each portion into a ball and flatten slightly.  Rest for 30 minutes. 

Place dough in fridge for up to 24 hours. *

When you’re ready to bake, remove from fridge and rest for 30 minutes.

Poke a hole into each dough ball and twirl on your finger to create a 1 ½- to 2-inch hole.  Place on parchment or silpat lined baking sheet and rest for 1 hour. 

Preheat oven to 375˚.  Combine egg white and water in small bowl, set aside.

While dough is resting, bring a large pot of water to a steady, low boil.  Stir in 2 tablespoons Non-Diastatic Malt Powder (or Brown Sugar or Baking Soda).  Drop bagels into water and boil for 30 seconds on each side.  Drain on a clean towel and return to lined baking sheet.   When all bagels are boiled, brush lightly with egg wash and then sprinkle on your desired topping. 

Bake for 12 minutes, rotate pan and bake for another 10 – 15 minutes or until bagels are golden.             

* It is not necessary to retard the dough in the fridge, but it allows the flavor to develop and it makes a delicious bagel.  It also helps if you want hot bagels early in the morning because there’s less work to do!  If you want to bake your bagels right away, just go ahead and make your holes and continue on to your 1 hour of resting before boiling. 

Variations:

Cinnamon Raisin:  Use brown sugar instead of white sugar, add up to 1 tablespoon good cinnamon and ½ cup raisins, which have been soaked and well drained.   (What?  Rum soaked, you say?  Maybe!)

Jalapeno Cheddar:  Add a minced Jalapeno and ½ cup of shredded Cheddar. 

Chocolate Chip:  Use brown sugar instead of white sugar, add ½ cup mini chocolate chips.  

Peanut Butter Pretzel Chip Cookies

I am on a cookie craze!  Today, I came up with these little numbers.


I know that Chocolate Chip Cookies are the most favored cookie in all the land, but they have never been one of my favorites.  I think I've finally realized that I either like a very basic cookie - sugar or shortbread, or a crazy cookie full of things like candy and pretzels!  

Peanut Butter Pretzel Chip Cookies

Ingredients:

2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour

1 teaspoon baking soda

½ teaspoon baking powder

1 teaspoon salt

1 cup butter or margarine, softened

3/4 cup granulated sugar

3/4 cup packed brown sugar

1 cup creamy peanut butter

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

2 large egg

1 (12 ounce) package milk chocolate chips
1 cup thin pretzels, broken into small piece

1 cup Reese’s Pieces

Directions:

Heat oven to 350 degrees F.

Combine flour, baking soda and salt in small bowl.  In large mixer, beat butter and both sugars until creamy.  Add peanut butter and vanilla extract .  Add eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition. Gradually beat in flour mixture. Stir in chips, pretzels and candies. Drop by rounded tablespoon onto ungreased baking sheets.

Bake for 6 minutes and switch pans on racks.  Back for 5 – 6 more minutes or until golden brown. Cool on baking sheets for 5 minutes; remove to wire racks to cool completely.

Crispy Chocolate Peanut Butter Cookies

I've had a real hankerin' to bake cookies recently.  Not so much a hankerin' to eat them, but the desire to bake is strong in this one.  Unfortunately, after they are finished, the desire to inhale them is not far behind.

Lots of "new" cookie recipes are running around out there.  You know, not just chocolate chip or peanut butter or snickerdoodles.  Of course, I'm not talking about those quinoa raisin nut types either!  I'm just not there yet, folks.  

My main problem with recipe searching is that I never find quite what I want.  My stuffed peppers and bagels will attest to this.  Most creations never make it to paper, though.  Some shouldn't.  This time, though, I had a winner.

Crispy Chocolate Peanut Butter Cookies

Make sure you have this stuff:

2 sticks Unsalted Butter Softened

1/2 cup White Sugar

1-1/2 cup Brown Sugar, Packed

1 cup Peanut Butter (I used creamy.  Chunky would work.)

2 whole Large Eggs

1 Tablespoon Vanilla Extract

1-1/2 cup All-purpose Flour

1/2 teaspoon Baking Soda

1 teaspoon Baking Powder

2 teaspoons Salt

1-1/2 cup Regular Oats

1-1/4 cup M & M's

1-1/4 cup Chocolate Chips

3 cups Rice Krispies

Then do this with it:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Cream butter with sugars until smooth, add peanut butter and mix until combined.  Add eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition. Add vanilla and beat.

Combine flour, baking soda, baking powder, and kosher salt.  Alternate adding flour mixture and oats into the creamed butter until combined, but not over-mixed.  Add candies and chocolate chips using “stir” cycle or by hand.  Finally, stir in Rice Krispies at the very end, mixing until just combined.  Do not over mix!

Use a large spoon or cookie scoop to scoop dough onto a cookie sheet.   Bake 11 – 13 minutes until golden.  Take to work the next day.

Shout out to Pioneer Woman's Monster Cookies, Gaby Dalkin's Dad's Kitchen Sink Cookies and Paula Deen's Monster Cookies for inspiration.

The Brooklyn Bridge

I stumbled on this amazing picture of the Brooklyn Bridge today.  These are painters, working on the cables of the suspension bridge.  I don't know who took it back in 1914, but kudos them!  It made me think of the fascinating history of the bridge and those who built it.

Construction started in 1870 and was completed in 1883.  It crosses the East river, linking Manhattan and Brooklyn.

The bridges designer sustained an injury in the beginning building process and subsequently passed away.  He passed the job of building the bridge to his young son.  The son also sustained injury and was unable to supervise the construction.  His wife, Emily Warren Roebling, stepped in learning mathematics and acquiring unique knowledge of bridge construction.  The legend is that she cared for her husband during the day and, at night, went to oversee the construction of the bridge.

It was opened 130 years ago and almost 150,000 vehicles still cross the bridge each day.

Here's a picture I took of the bridge when I lived in NY.  What looks like scaffolding below the bridge was a temporarily art project of waterfalls constructed below the bridge.

I've often heard that the limestone used in the construction of the Brooklyn Bridge is the famous Indiana Limestone.  However, I think this is a common misconception.  Perhaps a mix up with the Empire State Building and Flatiron Building which DO feature Indiana Limestone.

A funny side note, the Sherman Minton bridge that crosses the Ohio River between Kentucky in Indiana was completed in 1962 and had to be closed in 2011 for extensive repairs.  The Sherman Minton bridge carried about half the number of vehicles per day.  I think that they could have used Emily Warren Roebling.

Cake Batter Truffles!

I saw a few recipes online that lead me to this little number.  It's a winning combination of a few different recipes.


Firstly, let me just tell you - these are SO good.  I took them to a holiday party last night and they were a huge hit.

Cake Batter Truffles

1 box yellow cake mix

1 stick unsalted butter, softened

¼ tsp. vanilla

¼ c. sugar

2 – 3 tbls. milk, half & half or cream

2 tbls. candy sprinkles, divided

1 package vanilla candy coating

Cream together butter, sugar and vanilla with electric mixer.  Mix in entire box of yellow cake mix.  Add milk 1 tbls. at a time until you have a stiff dough.  (The temperature and humidity of your house will depend on what you need, so it might change each time you make the recipe.)  Stir in 1 tbls. candy sprinkles.

Roll dough into ¾” balls and chill for at least 15 minutes.  You could make these a day ahead, but you would want to cover them.  Once you are ready to coat, remove from fridge and allow to rest for about 15 minutes. If you try to coat super cold middles with warm candy coating, they will expand and crack.  NO GOOD!  

Melt vanilla candy coating and coat the cake batter balls, immediately topping with remaining sprinkles.

J. Nichols Clay Botanicals Facebook Page Giveaway!

Wow!  Jimy Nichols is giving away a Primrose valued at $150.  That's a lot of scratch!


You can gain entries by sharing the Facebook Page!  The new fans you recruit "like" the page and cast a vote for you.  


Here's his website:


http://jnicholsclaybotanicals.com/ 


Here's the rules:


http://jnicholsclaybotanicals.com/index_files/Page286.htm

Haters Gonna Hate!

My friend blogs over at skirt.  Recently, she crafted a little something based on the announcement of a new book.  

Maggie Goes On A Diet is exactly what it sounds like.  A book about a chubby young girl that goes on a diet.  

I'm not very interested in talking a lot about the book.  I mean, I think the book is ridiculous because it portrays a fat, insecure "loser" who diets and then becomes successful and "popular."  She develops a positive self image because she's thin now.  Isn't that nice?  Because only thin and/or attractive people are allowed to feel good about themselves, darn it!  Everyone knows that.

Any parent who buys this book for their child - weight problem or no weight problem - are assholes.  Enough about that.  Whoever the d'bag who wrote it is has gotten enough free press.

What this blog is about is fat hate, which is what I believe the author of Maggie Goes On A Diet suffers from.  Now, I know what you're thinking.  I'm fat, so I'm angry at the world.  Blah, blah, blah.  You're right.  I'm fat.  I often suffer from extreme bouts of "angry at the world," but that has nothing to do with me being fat.  It has to do with people not knowing how to drive, behave, control their kids, chew with their mouths closed, etc.  

I take no issue with (most) people who hate fat people.  I say most because I think fat hate has two categories.  Let's call them normal fat hate and abnormal fat hate.

Normal Fat Hate

Normal Fat Hate is just normal folks who hate fat people.  They really don't like looking at fat people.  They make fun of fat people.  We gross them out.  It's totally cool.  They are well within their rights to not like something.  Normal Fat Haters don't obsess.  They don't sit at home and hate fat people.  They see one in the wild, they laugh and they move on.  Those with NFH won't befriend fatties, but they might acquaint themselves at a distance.  You know, a friend-of-a-friend is friends with a fatty who ends up at the restaurant with you.  Six Degrees of Fatty Separation.  Normal Fat Haters can deal.  They might not love it, but they deal.  

For the record, some things I hate:  kids, cheese, bible-thumpers, Tom Brady, bigots, democrats and fat people who drink diet coke.

Examples of Normal Fat Hate:

I love Jeff Lewis and his show Flipping Out.  I have never missed an episode.  I think Jeff has the greatest sense of humor.  Aside from being super creative and a savvy businessman, both things I respect.  Jeff hates fat people and he talks about it regularly.  He claims to be nervous around them.  He openly says that he doesn't hire staff members who aren't "fit" and "attractive."  I adore his openness and love that he says this and doesn't care what anyone thinks!  I'd love to have dinner with him one day, you know, if he can stand it.  

Other favorite normal fat haters of mine are from the Opie and Anthony Show on XM.  Hosts Anthony Cumia and comic foil, Jim Norton are serious fat haters.  Opie makes fat jokes, but he doesn't jump on the fat roll as often as Anthony and Jim.  I subscribe to XM specifically for this show.  That means, essentially, I pay to listen to them make fun of fatties and I will continue to do so.  They are offensive, sardonic and beyond hilarious.  I love them.  

Abnormal Fat Hate:

Abnormal Fat Hate is an obsession.  A sickness.  Someone with AFH will sit at home and dwell on fat people and their hatred of them.  It might drive them to do something like write a book about a lil girl that goes on a diet.  

Example of Abnormal Fat Hate:

Someone who I used to really love suffers from AFH and it breaks my heart.  Anthony Bourdain is a chef/TV personality who I used to admire.  To me, he was sarcastic, sexy and engaging.  I voraciously read his books.  I loved his TV shows.  I even watched the few episodes of the Fox show "Kitchen Confidential" based on his book of the same name.  Now, I used to think he suffered from NFH, but I recently opened a book of his and began reading it.  I came to the second chapter and couldn't get past the first few paragraphs.  

Excerpt from The Nasty Bits by Anthony Bourdain:

The Evildoers

"I'm on the subway after a long, hard day in the kitchen, my feet swelling up like twin Hindenburgs; my back killing me; fourteen hours of hot, sweaty, uncomfortable toil and two hundred eighty dinners under my belt; and I want to sit down.  There are three seats in front of me in the crowded subway car.  Unfortunately, one miserable, fat bastard is taking up all three of them.  As he sits glumly but defiantly in a center seat, his gigantic butt cheeks and thighs spill out of the molded plastic bucket onto the seats on both sides, and his beady eyes dare me to try and squeeze my bony ass into one of the narrow spaces next to him.  

Dream sequence:  I'm on a packed commuter flight and we're going down for a forced landing in a Midwestern cornfield.  Engine one is on fire, the cabin fills up with smoke, panicky passengers overturn their meal trays as they rush the emergency exits.  The pilot manages to plow the plane belly-down onto soft earth, but when the plane - in flames now - comes to a full stop and the emergency doors pop free, the three hundred pound ectomorph in the window seat becomes lodged firmly and inexorably in the small doorway.  At the head of the aisle, another giant fuck collapses wheezing on to the floor, blocking egress.  As my hair catches fire, the last thing is see is jiggly cremulated back fat."

I'm not sure how the book continues.  I read and loved the first chapter, but couldn't go on - even having picked it up 4 or 5 times to start fresh.  My thoughts were consumed with how much hate someone has to have in them to write this and dedicate a page in their book to it.  What was he thinking when he was writing this?  I think he felt dirty, disgusted and smug.  I thought about the editors and publishers.  Did this not make them squeamish like it did me?  

It's beautifully written, isn't it?  I mean, you can't deny that your mind takes you right into the subway car, standing next to Anthony Bourdain.  If I close my eyes, I can smell it and I see what he sees, but I also notice a woman taking up three seats for her nap.  I can't miss the man with the backpack taking up the seat next to him.  I also see the "ectomorph" and catch his beady eyes, but instead of seeing a challenge... I see that he is apologetic and even maybe a little embarrassed.

You'll notice that I didn't link to the book that prompted this whole thing.  Because I don't feel like that person is deserving of the attention.  

What not to buy...

I feel like a big grump ass, but I'm not having very good customer service experiences these days.  I think, because it has been my professional life for so long, that I'm especially affected by BAD customer service.  I've worked hard and I rock it out.  I bleed good customer service.  I have a great work ethic and I want everyone else to as well.  When I receive EXCEPTIONAL customer service, you better believe that I reward it.


FedEx and UPS have been on my shit list for months.  They keep walking through my lawn.  I've phoned the headquarters, we've spoken to the drivers directly and they continually walk through my lawn.  I know it sounds petty, but we had to spend a lot of money to have our lawn renovated.  It was a young lawn and it didn't survive last year's drought.  I know that saying "a lot of money" is relative, but when it has to come out of the savings account - to me it's a lot of money!


The lawn is coming along swimmingly and we are spending a lot of time and money keeping it watered and fed.  You know, except for the track from the street to the porch that's used by FedEx and UPS.  I do have a sidewalk, mind you.  AMPLE sidewalk, as a matter of fact.  There's no need for them to walk through the yard.  I actually had to laugh in the face of the last guy because he said he does it so he doesn't have to turn around.  I'm not sure why the position of his truck is relevant to walking through my lawn.  After all, my house is always on the same side of the street!?


You probably wonder why I get enough shipments to have them wear down my lawn.  We order a lot from Amazon.  We pay for a prime account and take advantage of free shipping on things like cat food, cat litter, energy bars, protein powder and random other crap that we can get a good price on.  We may have more deliveries than most, but that shouldn't be bad - should it?  I think it's people like me who are helping these companies grow!


We were recently in the market for a specific type of light in the kitchen.  There was a sad little fixture above the sink that provided very little light.  The position of this fixture was directly above the sink, but not centered in the area.  We needed a fixture that mounted on the side vs. in the center.  After many trips to Lowe's and Home Depot - evening buying the "wrong" thing, we found the PERFECT light on Amazon.


We ordered and had it installed right away.  It was cheap in both price and manufacture, but it filled our needs.  There were definitely some issues in the metal manufacturing process, but we overcame it.  It filled the right area with light.  It really was PERFECT for what we needed.


A few weeks ago, a light bulb went out on one lamp and we replaced it right away.  Shortly after installing the new bulb, the light went out again... and then back on... and then out.  I think you understand.  We removed the lamp from the track and did what tightening we could.  No change.  At this point in time, when the fixture is in use, one lamp goes on and off.  


Since it had been just over 3 months, I figured I wouldn't have an issue getting this resolved.  I reviewed Amazon's policy and after 30 days any product issues are the responsibility of the manufacturer.  This is what I expected, so I contacted the people at Royce Lighting.


As a matter of fact, here's my exact message:

Hello!

We had a beautiful Royce Lighting Fixture installed over our kitchen sink a few months ago.  We purchased it on Amazon.com and a receipt is attached.  I also included a photo.

We LOVE the light.  It is perfect for what we needed, versatile and provides tons of light.  We are so happy with it.

Last week, we thought a bulb went out in one of the lamps.  On the picture attached, it is the lamp to the far right.  We replaced the bulb and, after a few days, it went out again.  This time, however, it came back on shortly after.  It continued to go on and off intermittently.

My husband tightened the cap at the top, but the problem continued.  He also removed the problem lamp completely and refitted it, in hopes that it was just a bad connection.  Unfortunately, this single lamp is still going off and on intermittently. 

Can you possibly advise a solution to our problem?  The other two lamps on the fixture have not had this issue.

Kindly,

Jennifer F

The next day, I was excited to have received a message.  Until I read it:

Hello

 Unfortunately we cannot be of assistance . Since the item was purchased thru Amazon, you need to contact them directly. I believe you have to "log-in" to your account, and go to "contact us" and find the returns or defective link. It sounds like the item may be defective, and it should be covered under whatever  Amazon's return policies may be. I do apologize for any inconvenience

Regards,

Rachel Ojani

Rachel M.  Ojani

Nationals Customer Service Associate

Murray Feiss | Monte Carlo Fan Company | Sea Gull Lighting | Royce Lighting

Business Units of Generation Brands

301 W. Washington Street

Riverside, NJ 08075

nationalscs@generation-brands.com

That's right, I copied the entire e-mail, signature, terrible grammar and all.  I was MORE THAN A LITTLE SURPRISED that this e-mail didn't say,  'Yes, ma'am, we'll get a replacement lamp out to you right away!'


So, despite what I knew about Amazon's policy, I had no option other than to contact them.  I just forwarded Amazon the e-mails above with a brief explanation.  


I heard back from Amazon right away and, I'm right, it's past 30 days and is out of their hands.  This was no surprise to me.  That's why items come with what is called a manufacturer's warranty.  Thankfully, Amazon was willing to go above and beyond what was required for them and send out a new light, allowing me to return the original one.  They didn't have to do that.  Granted, it came with a "return it in 30 days or your credit card will be charged" clause, but I can handle it.  As far as I'm concerned, they are meeting me MORE than half way.  Go Amazon!


I'd never purchased from Generation Brands before, but now that I know they are the parent company to Royce Lighting, Murray Feiss, Monte Carlo Fan Company and Sea Gull Lighting I can be certain not to purchase from any these companies.  I mean, not only do they not honor their stated manufacturer's warranty, but we are dealing with electrical products.  Serious injury could result to someone or the home where these are installed if something goes wrong.  


Oh, I know you're wondering if I responded to Rachel and I did:

I contacted you per Amazon’s policy.  After 30 days, any manufacturing defects are the responsibility of the manufacturer. 

Your unwillingness to stand by your product is extremely disappointing.  I suppose if you don’t believe that your product should last more than 4 months,  I will make sure not to purchase it in the future.

Thanks for your time.

Kindly,

Jennifer F

Now, I've gotta go order some stuff online so that I can get UPS and FedEx on video and put it on You Tube.

Stay tuned!