The kiss hello and, while we're here, the kiss goodbye. For the sake of making it easy, I'll just refer to it as the kiss. I mean, after all, it doesn't matter if you're coming or going. The kiss is still anxiety inducing.
You probably remember the 103rd episode of Seinfeld and Jerry's issues with the kiss. It was titled The Kiss Hello and focused on Jerry's desire to eliminate the kiss hello.
Please don't think I have issues with the kiss. I welcome it. I'm a kisser. I want to kiss! My friends back home and I are all very affectionate and it's not unusual for us to greet each other with a kiss. Did you catch that? I said it's not unusual for us to greet each other with a kiss. It can be on the lips or cheeks. Sometimes, after a few drinks, there may even be a little tongue.
I'm down with kissing. I'm just not at all sure about the kiss. I guess I could just go through life as a recipient of the kiss, just taking what I can get and never offering kisses back. A one-sided participant, if you will. On the other hand, I could just kiss everyone all of the time. A kissing bandit!
Let me tell you about my first experience with the kiss. It was a kiss goodbye. I had worked in NY for one week and, that Friday, the company was having a party at Dave and Buster's to celebrate my awesomeness. (Okay, not really, it was an employee appreciation/50th birthday party, but it's fun to pretend that it was for me.) I met a co-worker who I had not yet met that week. When we left, I reached to shake his hand and we ended up having an awkward hug and he kissed my cheek.
Was I supposed to kiss him back? What the heck! I just met this guy an hour ago and he gives me a kiss goodbye? I had so many questions. At that point in time, I came to realize that I did not know the protocol for the kiss.
I had to get to Neil. Monday couldn't come soon enough! Neil is the foremost authority on pretty much everything I need to know. He's a mentor, a teacher, a confidant, a friend and someone I respect and admire. I can go to Neil with help for anything and, even though he'll probably make fun of me, he'll help me. I knew he would be able to help me with the rules of the kiss.
On Monday, as Neil and I settled into our side-by-side cubies, I confided in him about my concerns. I had zero experience with the kiss and I didn't know who to kiss, when to kiss them, which way to go - I knew nothing.
As it turned out, Neil didn't know much either. I mean, he knew a little, but I didn't leave the conversation with the clear set of rules that I needed.
Here's what I know:
The men and the women kiss. The women kiss each other. The men do not kiss other men. (Well, I'm sure some of them do, but I haven't met those kind of men here yet. For the sake of keeping this easy - I'm strictly talking about heterosexual friendship type relationships.)
... and, well, that's about all I know.
I don't know which way to go. I don't know when to kiss. I'm not sure who to kiss!
I guess I'll just continue to collect data and make observations. Maybe one day, my research will be complete and I can fulfill the needs of the world by providing the rules of the kiss.
... until then, if you hear something about on the news a kissing bandit, you never read this.
XOXO
